eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
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You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
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I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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