Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I love having hate sex.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
