I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
whose ass print is on the piano?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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