matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
