i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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