ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
