Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
