So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
