just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
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