we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
