No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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