Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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