just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Oh god it's open bar.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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