Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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