Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
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Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
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His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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