its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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