My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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