Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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