I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
