hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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