I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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