Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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