sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You took a bar mat shot.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
