Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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