mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
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Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
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