It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
