I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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