I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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