Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
