My boss' voice literally gives me gas
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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