ugly people sure do ruin things
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
