New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
