now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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