Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
