We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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