I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
