So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
