i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
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I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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