i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
