I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
