Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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