drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
