He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
