Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
