I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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