Already got asked if we're dating
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
