dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
