I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
