i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
