I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
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You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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