You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
