I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
