I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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