You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
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I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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