Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
