i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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