I look better un-naked...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
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Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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