I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
