Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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