you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
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Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The air taste purple.
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