Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
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After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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