I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
